We’ve all done it – paid the big bucks to dress up in white shirts, jeans and bare feet and be posed and moulded into the perfect family photo. In between shots the kids are melting down, you are starting to sweat through your shirt and grit your teeth as you smile and your husband has that slightly annoyed look of when the hell will this be over…and the end result is a picture perfect reflection of a false reality!
I’ve done this a few times (as depicted below) and I don’t have a single one of those photos up in my house.
Sure they look nice and the photographers did a good job,
but I think they are somehow dull and lacklustre and missing that magic that comes from real life.
And these photoshoots were stressful and felt awkward – my daughter has NEVER been into them – both shoots with her required a lot of running around and convincing. I was definitely a sweaty mama.
I have found that as the years pass, my favourite family photos are those that catch a piece of truth from our lives. You know, those photos that reflect a slice of reality; the joy, the chaos, the delight, the challenge.
I used to be one of those mothers who fell into the trap of not talking about how challenging I actually found motherhood. I used to be so hard on myself for not having it together like the other moms I saw out there. I was exhausted, short-tempered and overwhelmed. How did these other moms nurse with ease in public without breaking a sweat? How did they calmly soothe their screaming child while carrying on a conversation? How did they bake cookies and attend Christmas parties without passing out from shear exhaustion by 9pm? And the reason I fell into that trap was because everyone around me seemed to have it together and I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t.
At least not until I realized that is was all a masquerade.
The truth was that none of those mothers were doing any better than me other than the fact that they too were not talking about their reality and were probably better at faking it!
Mothers have fallen into a nasty habit of comparing themselves to others and trying to emulate an image of perfection that NO ONE can stand up to. We are not honest about how challenging parenting can be until AFTER the fact. We only share, ‘oh yes I know what your going through’ once it is OVER.
We think, as mothers, that if we are seen as less than perfect, then we are just not hacking it. Somewhere along the way we decided that to be a great mom we have to do it all, that we shouldn’t be asking for help, we shouldn’t be complaining and that we are somehow less than if we just need a good cry.
When the reality is that being a mom is THE HARDEST, MOST DEMANDING job in the world and we need to lean in on each other so that well, we don’t lose our minds.
There is nothing wrong with trying to present our best face to the world, but if we don’t allow our truth and vulnerability to shine through, then we are just creating an impossible reality that no one can live up to. And we are missing out on the chance to truly connect with other women.
When I work with my pregnant and new mamas I always encourage an environment of sharing. It is okay to admit we are tired. It is okay to admit we feel frazzled or overwhelmed. It is okay to say we could use some help. And once they do it is like a big huge collective sigh is released and a new layer of connection, support and trust is created.
Are you with me? Say YES!
So here is your recipe to reclaim an authentic reality:
1. Curate a group of women who are real – who are open to sharing and who will let you lean in on them when you need to – even finding one can be a real coup!
2. Check in with yourself: where could you use some support? And ask for it.
3. Share your experiences as they happen. Don’t wait until the emotion has evaporated and it is a story from the past. Let others know what you are going through.
4. Laugh. Laugh a lot. Because as mothers we all know that ‘this too shall pass…’
5. Capture those real moments on film and relish in the beautiful chaos of life.
Here are some of my favourite family photos.
I love them because they are a reflection of our truth, which is a fun, playful, loving and chaotic life. All of these photos were taken in the moment and break my heart in a really really good full of love way.
I want to hear from you – are you tired of playing the part of perfection? Are you ready to drop the facade and be real? Meet me in the comments below and share your experience of being a mom trying to hold it all together.
Keep Calm and Shine On,
Maria 🙂
